The wicked witch showed her ugly face this afternoon. Back to the beginning I suppose. Given I am not sure where I stand with all of this. I am not sure if it is worth continuing on with all of this, 3 1/2 years of heartbreak is a lot to deal with. The disappointment of not getting pregnant, the heartache of getting pregnant and then having a miscarriage.
Charlie knows that I did not get pregnant this time around and he seems to have the positive attitude for all of us. Reminding me that he is meant to have a baby sister, a sister to play with and to teach things to. How did I say no to something like that? How do I turn my back on his dream of being a big brother? What do I do from here?
Tyler is so confused and hurt this time around. For the first time in 3 1/2 years he said he wasn't sure if its worth continuing. He hurts because he feels like he can't make my dream come true, our dream, our family dream. I want to say something to comfort him, but I feel such similar things. Like my body is broken, and can't do the job that it is designed to do, that it was so rightfully meant to do. I don't understand how I can be told I would never have children and then have Charlie. Is he my one and only miracle? Because if so, than I wish I could know that so I could stop all of this madness of trying for another child.
I called the doctor's office and they are having me come in tomorrow morning for my cycle day 3 u/s. I want to be able to talk to my doctor and ask if we honestly should continue with all of this. I mean he told us from the beginning that it typically happens within 3 IUIs, we have done 4.
Hopefully tomorrow morning will give me some direction, either continue onward or to throw in the towel.
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