The title of this post says it all. In fact if there was a word that would describe crying uncontrollably I would have used it. Because that is everything to describe what I am feeling.
I went in this morning, knowing damn good and well that I should have counted those too close to tell OPKs. But I listened to my doctor who said that it just wasn't right that I would be detecting a surge on cd9 or 10. So I waited till I got that true blue positive, yesterday and called.
I saw Dr. Batres this morning who did my u/s and I went onto explaining to him about the whole OPK delimia. So he put a rush on my labs and told me to come back in 1 1/2 hours and we would go from there.
Well damnit, I freaking already ovulated!!!! I KNEW IT!!!! So, while I wasn't getting a true blue positive they still should have been accounted for and I should have gone in YESTERDAY for my IUI. So, this was my second to last chance and it flew right out of the damn window!!!! CRAP
So then I was told that I can't use the clomid anymore because I don't respond well to it, and I can't use the Femera anymore because its causing premature ovulation and that is a major problem. So now my only option left is to do injections for 7-10 days!!! I was planning on 4. And at $75/day I just don't think its meant to be. I mean if I have to drop $750 just for the injections, then the cost of all the extra monitoring it will take, plus the gas for the extra trips, I just don't see it happening. We are talking an extra $1,000 for 0 guarantee!
I am completely heartbroken. I feel cheated and robbed. I hurt and I want to blame someone. But who should get the blunt of my anger? Not my doctor for doing everything he was taught. Not my husband because he could go have sex with 100 other women and get 100 children out of the deal. The only person I can blame is myself. Its my fault! Its my body's fault for being so stupid and incapable. I hate myself! I hate that I have taken our family dream and crushed it because of how stupid I am.
So, I can say now that my TTC journey is over. No more fertility treatments, no more u/s, no more hope.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Facing a harsh reality
Well, its about that time that I start coming to terms with the hand I have been dealt.
After 42 months of actively TTC and having 8 sweet precious angels in heaven, I have accepted the fact that there is no way I can, on my own, provide my family with another child. I have to use some form of fertility treatment and guidence. I am completely 100% incapable of getting pregnant on my own. What a crappy thing that is since I am only 26 years old and there are girls out there who are half my age getting pregnant.
Now the next thing I need to accept is that Charlie will be my one and only living child. I have exhausted just about all of my options in the realm of fertility treatments. I am to the point where I need to either accept my fate or move onto IVF.
I know in my heart of hearts that I could never do IVF. I mean even if I only ended up with 5 embryos, my doctor will only transfer 1 at a time, and if I get pg on the first try there is no way I can kill those other embryos, because that is what it will come to. I know that I have no intention of trying again for a 3 child. Not after everything I have gone through with my losses and getting to this point.
I feel like a worthless piece of crap, who is broken and deserves to be tossed out. I mean there are women out there who can't provide for their children and yet they continue to have them. There are women out there who get pg and then kill that baby because they never wanted it in the first place. I would give just about anything to be in their position. I missed so much with Charlie and I will NEVER even have the chance to experience it.
I am tired of ppl telling me to relax and it will happen. How can I relax when I have to watch every little thing that my body does just so I can do fertility treatments? Fertility treatments are anything BUT relaxing.
The other thing that ppl tell me is to adopt. In the state of Arkansas it will cost me $500 just for them to take the application out of my hand. That doesn't include the costs of meetings, classes, nothing, just for the taking of the application.
I look at Charlie and my heart hurts for him. He deserves to be a big brother. He would be a fantastic big brother! Some kids were meant to be the only child, but not my kid, he was born to teach and protect someone smaller than him.
He wants to be a big brother so badly. How do I tell him that his mother's body is a worthless, broken piece of crap that can't do the most basic of its functions?
My heart is in a million pieces. I don't know what hurts more... thinking of the children I have lost, or to think of the child I will never have.
After 42 months of actively TTC and having 8 sweet precious angels in heaven, I have accepted the fact that there is no way I can, on my own, provide my family with another child. I have to use some form of fertility treatment and guidence. I am completely 100% incapable of getting pregnant on my own. What a crappy thing that is since I am only 26 years old and there are girls out there who are half my age getting pregnant.
Now the next thing I need to accept is that Charlie will be my one and only living child. I have exhausted just about all of my options in the realm of fertility treatments. I am to the point where I need to either accept my fate or move onto IVF.
I know in my heart of hearts that I could never do IVF. I mean even if I only ended up with 5 embryos, my doctor will only transfer 1 at a time, and if I get pg on the first try there is no way I can kill those other embryos, because that is what it will come to. I know that I have no intention of trying again for a 3 child. Not after everything I have gone through with my losses and getting to this point.
I feel like a worthless piece of crap, who is broken and deserves to be tossed out. I mean there are women out there who can't provide for their children and yet they continue to have them. There are women out there who get pg and then kill that baby because they never wanted it in the first place. I would give just about anything to be in their position. I missed so much with Charlie and I will NEVER even have the chance to experience it.
I am tired of ppl telling me to relax and it will happen. How can I relax when I have to watch every little thing that my body does just so I can do fertility treatments? Fertility treatments are anything BUT relaxing.
The other thing that ppl tell me is to adopt. In the state of Arkansas it will cost me $500 just for them to take the application out of my hand. That doesn't include the costs of meetings, classes, nothing, just for the taking of the application.
I look at Charlie and my heart hurts for him. He deserves to be a big brother. He would be a fantastic big brother! Some kids were meant to be the only child, but not my kid, he was born to teach and protect someone smaller than him.
He wants to be a big brother so badly. How do I tell him that his mother's body is a worthless, broken piece of crap that can't do the most basic of its functions?
My heart is in a million pieces. I don't know what hurts more... thinking of the children I have lost, or to think of the child I will never have.
Cycle Day 11 11/16/09
And the confusion and frustration continues.
When I saw Dr. Moutos earlier this month he told me to wait till cd11 to start testing with my OPKs. Something in my heart of hearts told me to go with my gut and start testing on cd9 like I did last cycle.
On cd9 it was very close to a positive... cd10 same thing. And here we are cd11 and sure enough positive! Again before cd12 I got my stupid surge. How the heck are they supposed to monitor me, if I can't make it to that much needed appt?
So, I called the doctors office and they said to go ahead and still come in tomorrow for my u/s and they will check my LH levels with some blood work and if needed I will come back in for the IUI. This is frustrating beyond belief! I mean, considering we live an hour away, I can not just keep driving back and forth for this. I mean seriously! Just check everything and go ahead and do the IUI. And if needed have be come back on Wednesday for another IUI. I have Charlie and Tyler to think about. I mean, Tyler has to be at work by 3:30 and Charlie gets home at 3:45. AHHHH someone just help me get through this!
I just seriously want my fertility journey to end. I want to be pregnant and enjoy my pregnancy and have a bundle of joy in my arms. I feel like the light that is at the end of the tunnel is so dim that I question if its still on.
I will write more tomorrow once I have more definate answers.
When I saw Dr. Moutos earlier this month he told me to wait till cd11 to start testing with my OPKs. Something in my heart of hearts told me to go with my gut and start testing on cd9 like I did last cycle.
On cd9 it was very close to a positive... cd10 same thing. And here we are cd11 and sure enough positive! Again before cd12 I got my stupid surge. How the heck are they supposed to monitor me, if I can't make it to that much needed appt?
So, I called the doctors office and they said to go ahead and still come in tomorrow for my u/s and they will check my LH levels with some blood work and if needed I will come back in for the IUI. This is frustrating beyond belief! I mean, considering we live an hour away, I can not just keep driving back and forth for this. I mean seriously! Just check everything and go ahead and do the IUI. And if needed have be come back on Wednesday for another IUI. I have Charlie and Tyler to think about. I mean, Tyler has to be at work by 3:30 and Charlie gets home at 3:45. AHHHH someone just help me get through this!
I just seriously want my fertility journey to end. I want to be pregnant and enjoy my pregnancy and have a bundle of joy in my arms. I feel like the light that is at the end of the tunnel is so dim that I question if its still on.
I will write more tomorrow once I have more definate answers.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Cycle Day 3 11/8/09
Well I went in today for my cd3 u/s. Everything looked alright. No cysts to be concerned about. Which is always the one thing I ask about each time a new cycle starts.
I told Dr. Moutos that after this cycle we will be on a break till February since Tyler is heading out in December. So, with that being said I told him I wanted to up my Femera from 2.5mg to 5mg. He agreed. I told him when I come back in the new year (if I don't get pg) that I will then do the injections.
I am again supposed to use the OPKs. He was very confused about the fact that I got my LH surge on cd11 last cycle. He said I really shouldn't be getting a surge before cd12. So we will see what happens this month. I will probably start using the OPKs again on cd9 and just test until I go back. As of right now I am scheduled to go back on cd12 which is November 17th. So, I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens.
I am curious to see just what the increased dosage will do to me this month. Last month it really seemed to kick my butt. Wish me luck.
I told Dr. Moutos that after this cycle we will be on a break till February since Tyler is heading out in December. So, with that being said I told him I wanted to up my Femera from 2.5mg to 5mg. He agreed. I told him when I come back in the new year (if I don't get pg) that I will then do the injections.
I am again supposed to use the OPKs. He was very confused about the fact that I got my LH surge on cd11 last cycle. He said I really shouldn't be getting a surge before cd12. So we will see what happens this month. I will probably start using the OPKs again on cd9 and just test until I go back. As of right now I am scheduled to go back on cd12 which is November 17th. So, I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens.
I am curious to see just what the increased dosage will do to me this month. Last month it really seemed to kick my butt. Wish me luck.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Cycle Day 1 11/6/09
Well, another failed cycle. I am feeling at a complete loss right now.
I called the clinic and after 2 calls and no one calling me back I finally paged the doctor and he is having me come in on Sunday and we will check things out and talk about the next step and talk about options.
Tyler and I have talked a lot already and I am going to ask if they will increase my Femera to 5mg from the 2.5 mg I did last month.
If I can't get tricare to cover my injections than Tyler and I are going to take December and January off and save up the money to try again with the injections come February. I told Tyler that I can really only see us doing the injections for one month and after that I am done trying. I know I can't bring myself to do IVF, so there isn't even a point in discussing it with the doctor.
I am slowly watching my dreams slip through my fingers and I don't know what to do about it.
I will write more as it comes about.
I called the clinic and after 2 calls and no one calling me back I finally paged the doctor and he is having me come in on Sunday and we will check things out and talk about the next step and talk about options.
Tyler and I have talked a lot already and I am going to ask if they will increase my Femera to 5mg from the 2.5 mg I did last month.
If I can't get tricare to cover my injections than Tyler and I are going to take December and January off and save up the money to try again with the injections come February. I told Tyler that I can really only see us doing the injections for one month and after that I am done trying. I know I can't bring myself to do IVF, so there isn't even a point in discussing it with the doctor.
I am slowly watching my dreams slip through my fingers and I don't know what to do about it.
I will write more as it comes about.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Cycle Day 12 10/19/09
Cycle day 12 is here. Normally I would have written about the fact that I went in for an u/s and blood work and all of that good stuff. Not this time around. Due to the fact that I detected my LH surge on an OPK yesterday I came in this morning for my IUI.
At first it didn't go so well. When I signed in I asked if they had changed my appt from an u/s to an IUI and it hadn't been changed. So, before they could start the process they had to check with the doctor who then confirmed what I was telling them.
After all was said and done I went back around 11 and waited for the doctor.
It was weird not knowing how many follicles I have this month or how big they were. But maybe its a good thing; there isn't a chance for me to really read into anything other than, I caught my surge and I went in for my IUI... end of story.
Given Dr. Moutos did say something weird this time... "If your period doesn't start in 2 weeks from today than give us a call." Normally I am told to test in two weeks and go from there.
So I guess we will see what happens this time around. I start my progesterone tomorrow night.
Send us good wishes and lots of baby dust.
At first it didn't go so well. When I signed in I asked if they had changed my appt from an u/s to an IUI and it hadn't been changed. So, before they could start the process they had to check with the doctor who then confirmed what I was telling them.
After all was said and done I went back around 11 and waited for the doctor.
It was weird not knowing how many follicles I have this month or how big they were. But maybe its a good thing; there isn't a chance for me to really read into anything other than, I caught my surge and I went in for my IUI... end of story.
Given Dr. Moutos did say something weird this time... "If your period doesn't start in 2 weeks from today than give us a call." Normally I am told to test in two weeks and go from there.
So I guess we will see what happens this time around. I start my progesterone tomorrow night.
Send us good wishes and lots of baby dust.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Cycle Day 11 10/18/09
Well, this cycle I was told to use OPKs and to call if I got a positive. I took a OPK yesterday at noon and it was too close to tell. I mean the entire bottom half of the line was positive but the upper half was not. So I went ahead and called the doc, he wasn't convinced since it wasn't a definate positive and plus it is so early.
I tested again last night and it was a negative. So I figured lets see what happens today. And sure enough it was a definate positive! On cd11!! I can't believe it! So, instead of going in tomorrow at 9 for an u/s and labs I am going in for my IUI! I hope this is it for us!
I am taking in the paperwork for the medication approval so that we can get that going just in case I were to need it.
I will let you know how everything goes tomorrow.
I tested again last night and it was a negative. So I figured lets see what happens today. And sure enough it was a definate positive! On cd11!! I can't believe it! So, instead of going in tomorrow at 9 for an u/s and labs I am going in for my IUI! I hope this is it for us!
I am taking in the paperwork for the medication approval so that we can get that going just in case I were to need it.
I will let you know how everything goes tomorrow.
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